Harmony Ingram EGS Tapes
Wed 12 Apr 2017 14∶21∶56
Harmony Ingram
EGS Tapes
2017
[Opening VO]
“If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.’
If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else.”
- Albert Camus (Albert CAME-MOO)
February 15, 2012
Pain…Why do I feel nothing but pain in a world filled with so much potential? I have a loving, caring family…a beautiful, loyal little puppy dog…I have a nice stable roof over my head…I have a car…Outstanding supportive friends…But why do I feel so abandoned….? How could this happen to me…? How can someone like me take a fall into the deep agonizing abyss of complete utter despair…..? I’ve never hated myself in my life….I’ve never hated anyone….I’ve hardly ever given anyone an attitude….I’ve always done my best to put on a smile and to be the best person I could be….I just…I don’t…I don’t understand how something so perfect can just blemish into something so chaotic….
I considered you all my friends….and what am I to you?….a plastic paper cup that you plucked from the dispenser of fantasies to quench your uncontrollable desire for pleasure? Eric…David…Jason…I…I thought we had feelings for each other….Is it all a game to you…? How you could just push me aside like this?? I’m not just something you can blow your nose in and throw into the trash can…I thought you all liked me for who I was…..not for my body…You shouldn’t treat a woman like that…EVER!….*sigh…*
I had dreams….I wanted to help people….I wanted to show people the benefits of living life to the fullest…not stabbing them when their back is turned….My soul feels emptier than the grand canyon….colder than the summit of Everest….darker than a black hole in outer space….I…I don’t care about anything anymore….I don’t care about my grades…I don’t care about my future….I don’t even care about my closest friends right now…who’s to say they actually even give a fucking shit about me anyway…..They could just be using me to get through grade school…Goshhh….I’m such an idiot….*sigh…..*I thought….that everyone on this planet mattered….I thought there was good inside everyone….boy was I wrong….I was a fool to be so optimistic…I was a fool to think that an education would lead me to a successful path through life…I was a fool to think that life itself had a positive and beneficial purpose…I was a fool…..to think that I mattered….nothing matters…..We’re all just cogs in a factory of never ending reproduction and rejection.
With each slow and agonizing cut I can hear the voices of my friends and family seeping through the lacerations, crying over me…disciplining me…I feel as if I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, shredding my vocal chords to ribbons, and no one within a million miles can hear me…..It’s as if I’m floating in an endless endeavor through the stars…not seeing a soul…not hearing a sound…just the constant rhythm of my breathing..my heart rate exceeding Mach 5…I don’t want to live in a world where I’m rejected for who I am…let alone used and abused like an old worn out dish rag…..I want to be loved….Is that really too much for a girl to ask for..? I have the looks…I have the smarts…I have the loyalty…but in the end what am I? Just a walking, talking disastrous mess of a waste of a human life….I didn’t ask for this….I didn’t ask for any of this….I can’t hide it anymore…..I can’t even talk anymore….I just…..want to……I just…..I…..I…..I..wanna…die (very soft)….*sob*…I can’t do this anymore…I’m just a speed bump on the road to other people’s successful journey…
*deep sigh….* I’ll cut my wrists…I’ll cut my arms….I’ll cut my legs….I’ll cut my heart out if I have to…I’ll slice through every last inch of vein inside of my body until every last drop of worthless blood drains onto my carpet…..I’m just water under the fridge….No one fucking cares about me…maybe if I were to die…people would….I could be like a Phoenix….A beautiful..glorious little Phoenix…..Everyone is a dead girl walking the instant they set foot on this Earth…so maybe…in the afterlife…we can be reborn…heh heh….I always liked Phoenix’s….I think it’s time to fly away…Far far away….I can be in the warm comforting hands of god…and be forever loved….*sniff* Just fly….fly away little bird…..fly over the horizon and beyond the stars…and soar….maybe grama and pop-pop will be there too…*sniff*….or Stormy…my childhood doggy…maybe the angels will give me wings….maybe…maybe I…ma…be…….*SCREAMS* OHHHH LORD, HELP MEEEEEEHHHH!!!! AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! (pain) HEeeEEelll….*very deep breathing* *body drop*
*grunting noises from cutting throughout*